crazy

It is astonishing to me that here I am still writing this blog posts about the same thing and doing nothing about it. It is just getting worse for me. I have stopped caring completely and that's when you know it's over. When you don't care what you do or how it affects the other person. You just become selfish because you want to be happy. That's what I have done. I have tried for SO long. I have have numerous conversations of how unhappy I have become and they just went in on ear and out the other. I wish he would leave me. I crave desperately for the thing I fear most. I want to be alone. I want my own house with ivy double french doors that lead to a balcony that overlooks a green terrace.. where I can sit and paint beautiful pictures and feel at peace with myself. My own little world where I can be free and I can be me. I want to be infinite and beautiful. I have known for so long that this marriage has an expiration date and I have been ready for a long time to start the next chapter in my life. I'm a floater, I don't belong in one place for to long.

We can become so consumed by emotions that they have the ability to make us what to control who we are and what we do. The fact is, your emotions are your responsibilty

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away and start a new life.. unfortunately life does not have a reset button so I am stuck in the unhappy threshold I call my life. When I first met my husband, he was an amazing person. I loved being with him, and I had never been happier in my entire life.. oh how things have changed. I don't even know who that person is anymore. I'm not sure if I even love him anymore or who he is now. It's sad, we've barely been married a year.. and I guess that's all it takes to realize who someone is.. especially since I got pregnant and our relationship was forced to change so abruptly. I just can't do this anymore. We barely talk. I can't remember the last time we actually had a meaningful conversation. He has been pushing me further and further away for months, and blocks my every attempt to try and reconcile this marriage. If he doesn't like what I have to say, he will just hang up on me, or leave or avoid me entirely. That's so far from the guy I married who used to hate seeing me upset and who would fight for his feelings for me.. I can't express anymore to him how much I need my husband back, the person who used to be so loving and caring.. and it breaks my heart to realize that person may never return. I can't live my life unhappy. I don't know what else to do. The thought of being single and alone is such a breath of fresh air.. He knows he is hurting me and he does nothing to try to fix this marriage or work with me on it. Instead of coming home to talk to me, if I say something that upsets him he will not respond to me, not tell me where he is and not come home.

Why you're not losing weight!

I have always been on this constant quest to lose weight. I will tell you it has been one frustrating journey. I feel like I have tried everything. I have tried low carb, which can work for some people but just not for me. The thing is limiting myself to certain foods only made me want the foods I couldn't have even more. Eating a low carb tortilla tasted plain and boring to me and only made me want to have the real thing. I tried counting my calories and I always still felt hungry and it was a real head ache trying to maintain my calories intake. Those sugar free, low carb chocolates and candies would sound like a fantastic idea and I would trick myself into buying them, convincing myself if I ate one of those for desert than that would help satsify any cravings I might have.. but it doesn't. Instead, I end up eating a few of them and still wishing I had a real piece of calorie filled chocolate. Diets do not work. At least, not for me. It shouldn't be about limiting yourself to a certain type of food, or making sure that you don't go over 1200 calories a day. I learned that my problem, and why I wasn't losing weight is because I love to eat. Reality hit me and I realized I could lose weight and I could still eat! I just needed to make sure I was eating healthy and eating the foods that I loved. We all have a favorite vegetable, and fruit we could eat and thats what I started doing. Instead of discipling myself, I started engaging in eating the healthy foods I loved. I bought carrots, edamame, broccoli, peas, bananas, berries, salmon, ect. I wake up in the morning, eat a couple pieces of bacon and an apple. For lunch, broccoli with cheese, carrots, and edamame. For dinner, salmon and peas. In between if I am hungry, I eat a healthy snack of frutis and vegetables that I actually enjoy eating. I started just drinking water, now this is something that can not be avoided. You can lie to yourself and say that diet this and diet that is healthier, better for you but studies have shown that diet soda is just as fattening as soda. If you drink nothing but water for a month straight (with the exception of black coffee) you can lose 20 lbs! The water, I have limited myself too.. however what I drink, has never been an issue for me. Like, I said, everyone is different and everyone struggles with weight loss in different ways. The fact is, you have to figure out what you like for it to work. I've changed my eating habits so that I am still eating foods that I love and I don't have to count calories, or worry if it's low carb and I am still losing weight! The grocery store is the key to your weight loss success. I cook at home, and prepare my own food. Sure, going out to eat is less work, however I always found ways to make excuses for what I was ordering.. salads seem so boring on a menu full of inviting foods. I don't even put myself in the position to eat unhealthy. Granted, every now and again, I do go eat other foods I loved. I just don't over indulge in them, and instead, I over indulge in the healthy foods I love. When you go grocery shopping, just be conscious of what youre putting into your cabinets, and fridge because that's what youre putting into your body. It's your body, love it and enjoy it.

Goodbye

Change is a part of life. Life is constantly changing, and its drastic and it's sudden. It happens quicker than a flash of lightening and can hit you like a ton of bricks when youre not looking. You'll wonder how you ended up where you are and how you arrived at your unplanned destination. It's inevitable. It's unstoppable. You don't have a choice in the matter, it's something we can only accept and move on. Deal with whatever change comes our way. It can be the most overwhelming burden of sadness imaginable. Everyone has their own definition of sadness, because everyone experiences loss and hurt in different spectrums. Being single and lonely, will never feel as bad as being in a relationship and feeling completely alone. Relationships begin with the excitement and celebration of having another person invest their time and attention in you. Being eager to learn everything they can about you, and desiring to spend every waking moment together. When the relationship loses the status of being new, it becomes routine, and simple gestures that once seemed so endearing now just seem to fade into a required, expected, subtle status. No longer does asking how their day went seem to have any kind of sincerity about it. Eventually it just becomes presumations and no longer holds true value and care. We assume we know everything about the other person, so asking seems so pointless. One day you wake up and realize you don't know who that person is anymore. You don't understand why they have changed and why they no longer to seem to be on the same page as you anymore about anything. The person you knew seems to be a ghost of the person standing in front of you.

Shuffle!

Shuffle!


I have heard many great reviews about this anime. However, it was hard for me to really get attached to each character because everything fell together so quickly. I never really an emotional connection to a specific character enough for me to care who he chose to be with. I think the idea of the anime sounded better than the actual anime. It kind of drug out to me, and I wish it had established a longer and better connection to the character of which he chose. It wasn't terrible though, and it was interesting enough to actually finish, My damn curiosity kept me wanting to know who he picked! I must say that the animation and drawings of the girls was done very well! One of the best drawings I have seen in a anime! :)

Elfen Lied!

Elfen Lied
Wow. Just wow. New favorite anime. I fell in love with it as I continued watching the series. From the first episode I was hooked. I just couldn't stop wanting to know what was happening. I must say, it is quite depressing but one of the most beautiful masterpieces ever created. The sadness in the anime is not just a depressing make you want to slit your wrists sadness but such a beautiful thing. I just can't find the write words to express how much I loved this anime. Lucy is a phenomenal being and the supporting characters were just as good. There is a bunch of nudity, however, sometimes a bit too much and at times unnecessary. After the I finished the series there was so much I wanted to know. I looked up everything I could about the anime to tie up any loose questions I had. Which, there really wasn't many and I got my questions all explained. The ending was so beautiful.. I couldn't find a better way for the anime to end honestly. I keep trying to find ways of how it could have ended and the way it did just left it at a beautiful place. It was amazing, and I hope one day to find an anime that gives me the same kind of emotional play as this one did.